Elisabeth Elliot: Stewarding Singleness and Pursuing Purity
Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control
"Welcome to the 3rd floor." This was part of the message I received from my friend as I turned 30. And I thought, yes, that 3rd floor. Where you've listed all the things that should have happened before you arrive there.
And for many young women, one of those things is marriage.
One of the recurring concerns I receive in emails, messages, or conversations are struggles around this singleness journey. "How do I deal with this nuanced relationship where he's not really saying anything towards marriage?" "I thought I'd finally met the one but got disappointed." "I've been waiting, and praying and trusting, yet I'm still single." And on and on.
The singleness season could look like one dry, lonely, still time of life (which it shouldn't be, actually!) But I know that this too shall pass…
Just like other seasons I've walked through where things seem to be stalled, when it looked like nothing was happening. Nothing really big. I had to wake up early, do home chores, provide care for loved ones, study, fellowship with God, serve in my local assembly and keep working on the vision before me.
As I stepped into the next very busy and engaging season of life, I look back at that season as a time of refuelling and serving with intensity those God had me serve at that time.
I know there are different angles to conversations around the topic of love and relationships. This post isn't to set rules. God's word is the rule. Let's just lay out the foundation of God's word and learn some steps from the life of a woman who went through the ropes of singleness and marriage and singleness and marriage again.
Who Was Elisabeth Elliot?
Elisabeth Howard Elliot (1926-2015) was a woman who had a taste of the complexities of love, loss, and surrender more than most. Born into a missionary family, she felt called to missions from an early age and would later serve as a missionary to indigenous peoples in Ecuador.
Her life story reads like a testament to God's faithfulness through every season. At 29, she became a widow when her husband Jim Elliot was killed by the Auca Indians he was trying to reach with the Gospel in 1956. Left alone with a 10-month-old daughter, Elisabeth didn't retreat in bitterness. Instead, she continued her missionary work and even returned to live among the very people who had killed her husband, leading many of them to Christ.
She experienced singleness in different seasons of her life - first as a young woman waiting for God's timing, then as a young widow, and later as a widow again when her second husband, theologian Addison Leitch, died of cancer after just four years of marriage. She finally married Lars Gren at age 50, who would be her companion until her death.
Elisabeth wrote over 20 books, but perhaps none as influential to young women as "Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control," published in 1984.
In her book “Passion and Purity,” Elizabeth Elliot discusses her own struggles with singleness and waiting on God’s timing for romantic relationships. “God had promised me a husband, but I had no idea when or who he would be,” she writes. I had to place my faith in God for the future and wait for Him to send that person into my life.”
Through her writings and speaking, she taught thousands about surrendering every area of life, including romantic relationships, to God's perfect will.
Lessons from Passion and Purity
1. You Can Surrender Your Love Story to God
God instituted marriage and desires that we get married. Elisabeth talked about seasons when she wondered if anyone would be interested in her, and yet God gave her the best. As she beautifully put it,
"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts."
The Bible reminds us in Psalm 84:11 that "No good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly." This isn't just a nice verse to quote - it's a foundational truth about God's character. He is not withholding marriage from you to punish you or because He's forgotten about you. His timing is perfect, and His plan for your love story is better than anything you could orchestrate yourself.
In the midst of attention-seeking and proposals, still seek God's perfect will. It could be hard, especially when it seems time is ticking away, but trust God more than the world's clock or pressure. Elisabeth warned against the danger of talking ourselves into decisions that have no permanence rather than waiting patiently on God.
"It's easy to talk oneself into a decision that has no permanence – easier sometimes than to wait patiently." These words remind us that the pressure to "settle" or make hasty decisions often comes from our discomfort with uncertainty, not from God's leading.
2. Let Everything About Your Relationships Be Centred on Purity
Don't be frivolous or disobey God just to get or keep someone's attention. In our days, when people advocate for sensuality and have no regard for "the marriage bed kept undefiled" (Hebrews 13:4), don't let it make you drift or panic. God still has sons. And God has His son for you.
Elisabeth was uncompromising about this principle. She wrote, "If your goal is purity of heart, be prepared to be thought very odd." In a world that mocks sexual purity and treats it as outdated, choosing God's standard will indeed make you seem odd. But remember, we're not living for the approval of this world.
She also had strong words about exclusive relationships without commitment:
"Unless a man is prepared to ask a woman to be his wife, what right has he to claim her exclusive attention? Unless she has been asked to marry him, why would a sensible woman promise any man her exclusive attention?"
This wisdom challenges the modern dating culture where people can string each other along for years without clear intentions. Elisabeth believed that emotional and exclusive attention should be reserved for the person you're committed to marrying, not given away freely in undefined relationships. And this is so true! A lot of young women battle needless heartbreak because “she commits her heart to a guy who takes her on a goalless ride.”
The call to purity isn't just about physical boundaries - it's about emotional wisdom, mental clarity, and spiritual discernment in how we conduct our relationships.
And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Thessalonians 5: 23)
3. Steward This Season Well
Here's perhaps the most practical advice: Serve. Pray. Prepare. Seek first God's kingdom and its righteousness - understand and work towards the vision God places in your heart about His purpose for your life. Advance in your career and studies. Grow. Live your best life this season.
Elisabeth captured this beautifully when she wrote what Jim Elliot sent to her before they got married, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." Don't let your desire for marriage kill your enthusiasm for the life you're living right now. This season of singleness isn't just a waiting room - it's a training ground. On the days you seem to forget and almost get drowned in worry, please remember this and get back on your feet!
When you get into the next season of marriage (which God will bring you into according to His will), you won't look back and regret wasting this season. Every skill you develop, every way you grow in character, every act of service you offer, every prayer you pray, every page you study - none of it is wasted.
Think about it: the woman you're becoming in singleness is the woman you'll bring into marriage. Are you cultivating the kind of character, wisdom, and spiritual maturity that will make you a godly wife? Are you learning to depend on God, to find your identity in Him, to serve others sacrificially? Are you busy working on God’s unique purpose for your life?
Walking Forward in Faith
Elisabeth's story reminds us that God's plans are often different from our timelines, but they're always better than our limited vision. She waited five years for Jim Elliot, enjoyed only two years of marriage with him, then walked through widowhood, remarriage, widowhood again, and finally a third marriage that lasted until her death.
Through every season, she demonstrated that a woman surrendered to God can trust His heart even when she can't see His hand. As we navigate our singleness journeys, let's remember Elisabeth's words:
"How long Lord must I wait? Never mind child, trust me."
Sister, God sees you. He knows the desires of your heart. He hasn't forgotten about you or your dreams of marriage. But while you wait, don't just survive this season - steward it. Let purity mark every relationship. And above all, surrender your love story to the One who writes the most beautiful endings.
Your singleness isn't a problem to be solved - it's a season to be stewarded for God's glory and your good preparation for whatever comes next.